"before darkness emerged
you spoke to me
love
of love
of life
then
of death
by death you walked
by death enlightened..."
-confusedain '99

+ Dissect +

Lorelai: It was a mistake. Emily: A mistake?! You call that a mistake!? Lorelai: Well, I tried calling it "Al", but it would only answer to "mistake".

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Longing for an eternal union

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+ a lomo
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+ be a volunteer

+ Things I've been said i look like +

chinese(NO.1)
japanese
taiwanese(!! lol)
phillippino
thai
myanmar
cambodian
vietnamese
indonesian(specifically, indo maid!)
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nepalese
China Chinese (NO!!!...)

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+ Previous Posts +

i died everyday
Of Facebook statuses and diaries
I wish i have enough courage to just jump and die
Gone for too long
Change
Broken
The Mind
Resolution
old saying
Happie Halloween

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Thursday, April 21, 2016
i died everyday

Some times, 
i like to have girl nite out.
Not to oogle at guys ( you dont know me well)
but just to spill my heart out.

Me: I have such a terrible day! This so and so is incredibly irritating me! She did this and this...
Girlfriends: Oh dear! Are you ok? have you tried...I also kena sth like this before...i did this..
Boyfie will be like: Y r u complaining? Y cant u do this? Im more worse than u, i have to... not like you, so easy...

and you're asking me why i dont talk to you...

#sosickofyouputtingmedown
#justneedlisteningear
#notcriticismonhowileadmylife
#iknowyouresomuchbetter
#toyouadminworkisnothing
#saidbysomeonewhodoesntevenwork
#you'realmost2yearsjobless
#thankyouformakingmefeeluseless

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 11:24 AM

Thursday, February 04, 2016
Of Facebook statuses and diaries


Boyfie posted this and said "this is so true". But i beg to differ.
Back when i had diaries, it wasnt just about feelings.
There were detailed stories, recollections...names were mentioned.
Nasty words thrown here and there.

He said "you havent seen my wall".
I said "you havent seen my diaries" lol...

Online entries are more passive aggressive.
Not everything is jotted down.
You wouldnt usually say you hate so and so.
It'd be more like "I HATE it when ppl...If only SHE...SOME people can be..."
I would think that it is MEANT for friends n family to read.
To garner some sort of support.
People dont post, not expecting some kind of reaction (a reply, a comment, a pm).
Sometimes, it does feel nice having someone or some people acknowledge your sentiments.

But diaries on the other hand...
Is so much more personal to me.
It brings out my nasty side (haha~)
A place where i vent unreservedly.

Anyway, this was past.
Ive stopped keeping diaries.
Now, when i look at my old blog posts,
i missed sharing good memories,
uploading unforgettable moments.
penning down my thoughts and opinions.

I have to start on this again.





nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 10:18 AM

Monday, October 12, 2015

I wish i have enough courage to just jump and die

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 8:31 AM

Saturday, October 10, 2015
Gone for too long

Reading back my old posts reminds of how much i love writing...

Its been too long.

Ive become more quiet...
Withdrawn.
My creative juices havent been squeezed to good use

Now im more angry
Aggressive
Sad

My thoughts jumbled
So negative...
My life suddenly dont make sense

My God, and im already 30!
Can someone just knock some sense into me?
Maybe just knock me to death?
There i go again...
Sigh

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 10:32 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2014
Change

So many things have happened.
So little things were written.

Sometimes i like to leave it unspoken.
As if it never occurred.

Most times, ive been too sad.
ive lost my spirit.
Im not sure what to do.
What IS my goals, dreams, aims?

No direction.

But this time.
i have to.
Ive got to.
I need the change.

-Starting back to read/learn Al-Quran.
-Pursue Degree
-Learn cooking & baking
-Solat more consistent
-Travel if possible
-Save up
-Reducing and then maintaining my weight to 52kg.

Well, that it as of now.
Yup.

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 11:46 AM

Monday, July 15, 2013
Broken


This is how my heart feels right now. And there is absolutely no one i can share my woes with.
i feel like a toy God has created, to mess with my emotions.
i wish i am numb. i wish i dun feel.
i really dont know what to do, i am torn in pieces...
Oh God, only you know whats happening, pls give me the strength or wisdom to go thru all these coz i am at a loss... i have no idea what im doing and why im going thru this.
Pls...

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 4:56 PM

Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Mind

The mind is a wonderful mysterious thing. Sometimes i wonder how it works.

One day i can be the most positive person in the world.
And suddenly suicidal. Suddenly i feel like cutting again.

Whats wrong with me?
What happen?
Why am i so depressed?

its so hard to look cheerful when every second all u think about are ways to destroy urself.

is this PMS? but its not due.
Did i eat sth wrong?
Why do i feel so angry at myself why i do i have these crazy notions to torment myself?

nonsensical ramblings posted by ain at 11:08 PM