i started cutting myself using a pen on my wrist. i wanted to know how it feels like. To hurt myself. To feel pain physically. Wondering if what i was feeling inside could be compared to how much i hurt outside. Another part of me thought cutting wrists was cool. I was very fascinated with the whole idea of depression, up until now actually. i wanted people to know that i was depressed.i was craving for sympathy. Maybe a little bit of attention too. i knew cutting myself with a pen knife doesnt leave much scars,so i experimented with blunt things, or considerably blunt pointed things. Pens, broken glasses, broken cd covers,keys, mechanical pencil tips...you name it, i might have used it.sometimes i wonder if half of the reason i did it was because i wanted to show off.and sometimes i'd reassure myself, my misery was as real as the scars on my arms. i didnt want to die anymore.i just liked the thought of wanting to die without actually commiting the death sentence. i enjoyed my sadness. my tears flowing down my face. when i dont cry, i panicked. am i happy? why should i be happy? i'm stupid, remember? nobody likes me. i learn to feel guilty everytime i had a little ounce of happiness in me.i didnt want anything anymore and yet there's part of me wishing that someone would understand,would help me and when that someone came, i felt guilty.i dun deserve any help. i dun need any help. i blew every chance i had of feeling happy.gradually i went blank.i cant think straight. everything i felt or think rushed through my brain,left residues but nothing more. when i felt happy, i felt angry, guilty...sad....i didnt know wat to think anymore. i was sinking. digging deeper into a void. it wasnt sadness or depression anymore. gradually,it was... emptiness....
p/s : cant exactly remember when i wrote dis.. ahah... there were a few things i wish to add but oh hell... lets keep it as it is...
a lot of my whirlwind crazy emotions started when i was 15... yeah.
its been a long time
since i've gone in-depth
with my surrounding (altho my
'in-depth' doesnt totally mean "deep"
so much to touch on
like fer example
i rEally feel like i've changed
physically and mentally
maybe not so drastically
but i noticed it. yeah.
things that i used to
shrug off
have finally brought to my attention
hard to adapt,really
(esp da "why am i so f***ing ugly!!?")
but well, i'm learning to manage
(hey! another quality i'm adopting!)
last time,the only facial regime
i'd religiously did was to
cleanse the face with facial wash
nothing more.
no moisturisers, no toners, no make-ups,even
the only powder i'd own was talcum
i did not know how to take care of my body
my appearance
(hence my hideous looks now. oh regrettably)
but i do now
sometimes i'm more chatty
sometimes i'd dare to try sth new
sometimes i'd challenge myself to go over my
usualy boundaries.
these little things
makes who i am 2dae, now
i'm growing up.at my own pace
but slow as it may seem it makes
a darn big difference to me
its not easy
breaking out from your normal routine.
its like, going cold turkey on your old habits...
imagine that!!
as they say... old ones dun go, new ones dun come... so true yeah??
i was watching the barbie diaries (i was really bored)
it belongs to my sis. she has almost everything of barbie's vcds...
there was this quote taken from da movie.
she said " it doesnt take anything to be popular... there is no right jeans, right clothes, the shop you have to go to, its just being the real you."
kinda funny right? come to think of it... why does da tv shows
always potrays the popular kids as mean bitchy people??
and why da hell are they popular? doesnt makes sense...
even rude celebrities gets fucked for their insolent, diva-ish debutante antics...
sometimes i think tv shows are a bit corrupting to some minds...
(esp a naive's mind like mine!!)
brainwashed arent we all??
or is it the american's mindset are diff from us/??
ahahah sorry, i dun mean that... america is big
not right to stereotype them as one mind...dumb mind... :P
Monday, November 06, 2006
raya photos exposed!!! take two
huraizah's son....2nd actually... this was taken when the kiddo was only 2daes old! yesh!... i think his name was gonna be something reza... nice nice....
hey...ahli giler all grown up!!!
i am finally twenty.....one! haha...
"my 1st ever pandan cake...my 1st ever pandan cake..."* singsong-ishly...
raya photos exposed!! take one
ladies of the beautiful kind...(except fer me lar...oh hell :P)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
revelling
gosh!
i've been revelling over other's
misfortune!
what kind of sick evil being
am i becoming to?
why do i have this perverse satisfaction
of seeing other's downfall??
its like "serves you rite"s
and "i wish this happens to you so u'd know how it'd feels"s thingy
argh!!! this has to stop!
evil thoughts has gotta be eliminated
from this crazy brain of mine...
argh.. sorry.
