"before darkness emerged
you spoke to me
love
of love
of life
then
of death
by death you walked
by death enlightened..."
-confusedain '99

+ Dissect +

Lorelai: It was a mistake. Emily: A mistake?! You call that a mistake!? Lorelai: Well, I tried calling it "Al", but it would only answer to "mistake".

+ Me +

Longing for an eternal union

+ Desires +

+ firstly to find myself
+ 10 days trip to Europe, esp Spain
+ Santorini, Greece
+ The Chocolate Buffet at Fullerton Hotel
+ experience snow
+ Work Overseas
+ A very healthy body...and mind
+ a tv set in my bedroom
+ a lomo
+ donate blood at least once in a lifetime
+ be a volunteer

+ Things I've been said i look like +

chinese(NO.1)
japanese
taiwanese(!! lol)
phillippino
thai
myanmar
cambodian
vietnamese
indonesian(specifically, indo maid!)
malaysian
nepalese
China Chinese (NO!!!...)

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Rina + Shaz + Audrey + kak pi + affordable gadgets + Wei Jun + Yilin + faz victoria +

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+ Previous Posts +

i died everyday
Of Facebook statuses and diaries
I wish i have enough courage to just jump and die
Gone for too long
Change
Broken
The Mind
Resolution
old saying
Happie Halloween

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
silence

i've always desire to be in a dance grp
of sorts
but i've never really came to realise it
and sometimes i wonder why
when i question myself
the answers are always the same
that i'm too 'ugly and fat'
somehow images of dancers
are always associated w/
being thin sexy pretty
all of which i do not possess...
is it an excuse?
everytime i want to take dance classes
i think abt what other people would think of me
"eee....so ugly oso want to dance ah?"
"so fat all her flabs are all over the place"
depressing sia....
so i didnt pursue...
funny thinking back on the things i've done
in sec sch days
all my participations in talent times
(dance grp for 2 yrs running i think....)
some hari raya or teacher's days performances...
i've had my fair share of stage presence
even the musical...wow....
but still.... like they say...
the outside world is tough...
thats why my prancing around stopped short there...
lol....
should i get back at it? @ 21... is it too late? too old?
i haf 2 left feet, mind you!
and i guess i will never know
coz only me can make that decision...
...right?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
we make up a lot of noise

ok... so this may seem trivial
sorry folks but i've reasons to enjoy...
after much struggling...
i managed to lose 5 in 2wks...
incredible achievements for
a girl who loves to indulge...
hmm.... haha... ok..
enuf of this
if u're a fan of the csi,
i'd suggest reading csi:
crime scene investigation
by max allan collins
the stories run in parallel
w/ da real tv series...
its as if u're actually watching csi
w/out da visuals...
and da stories arent taken from da series
so u arent reading/watching da episode again!
just same character diff episode
kinda like tv special....
seriously, its gud!!!!
addicted i am...:P

Thursday, August 24, 2006
let mi c if u can run it run it

days ago i learned a new
dancing jargon
bite= means to copy
moves from sum1 or
direct copy from mtv
fun!!!
7 daes of agony
and finally i've lost 1 kg
yes! better than nothing
its kinda fun delighting over
losing weight
currently @ 55
~sigh.... another 4 more to go
no pain no gain folks...

y'know...
losing weight is a bit like
fighting vile demons in a
epic scale war....
coz i anit got no stress
just will power...
there is always the temptation of giving in
indulging....
diet is not a walk in the park...
more like a dance of dread really...
lol.. ok... talking crap now....

playing a lil nite music by mozart in da morning
makes me feel perky! LOL...

Monday, August 21, 2006
life is beautiful aint it?

yesterdae was slow
i failed my first ever class assignment
and it was only those stupid colour codes
i keep making bad careless
calculation mistakes
its irritating...
i could haf passed
but all i get was a measly 44 while my friend
got a 96... arrghhhhh.. i was on the verge of tears....
maths was nvr my thing...
the reason why i gave up struggling fer it
part of the reason why i wasnt in poly...
and what da hell cld have persuaded me to join this course
is this a mistake??
the whole failing thing left me in a sullen mood
afraid a single wrong word wld trigger the tears...
y am i being petty? coz its not...
failing module one means
not ever considering engineering as a career
am i stupid? i must be
arghh....the vile claws of "quitter"
is gaining momentum...scratching
alluring me to do the unforgivable....
stop!!!
ok thats it.... i hafta stop all these wallowing....
seems so simple to give up,....
so hard to put on that extra effort that might just have worked...
failure... my fear and yet somehow i hafta face it...face it...
overcome my fear of failure....
not many noes...(maybe not even dear)
failure and rejection is my weakness...
too many times i have tried avoiding it...
too many times...successful...
and this is wat left of me...
a fucking coward...
yes

Saturday, August 19, 2006
shiver down my spine

fear...
fear anxiety confusion
everything
i feel my body shivers
dreading wats to come
in few hours time....
argh!!!!
module 3 is so wrong... so
so bloody wrong.....
i feel so stupid...
disconnected
argh....
and then there's da dance....
no... not dread.... scared...
i'm scared....
will i make it to the end (for da auditions?)
will i be able to impress enuf?
improve alot?
my mind... an incoherent madness
argh again....
4am.... get to sleep...
school starts 830...
must get up at six...
argh!!!!!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2006
looking back on the things i've done

i am resolved to observe
a very strict workout regime
my stamina is atrocious!
wat can i say? i'm living
in a pampered life. air-cons
elevators... escalators, buses
trains.. everyting is so
assessible....comfortable...
~sigh.... i've gota stop this!
climbing stairs shouldnt hurt
right??? oh well...

Thursday, August 03, 2006
here it goes again



hey!! another geek dance!!! wwooot!



cool collabo!!!

have i told u my hp was stolen?? yes... ~sigh.... sorry.. let me wallow wont u?....

Wednesday, August 02, 2006
what fate has reduced me to...

ok, now i noe how it feels like
to be backstabbed
it hurts...
truly hurts
truly fucking hurts
but oh well...
i am, after all...
the invincible one
for i can nvr die
i can still wipe the
knife clean from blood
and return it
graciously
and yet i will still be alive
a doll i am...
play with me
for my blood nvr runs dry.....


a lot of things haf been happening...
the very fun and exciting chalet recently...
with a very devastating anti-climax of the century...
(me losing my 10hrs old hp(yes!!! truly... brand new... ) and ju's fiance's digicam...)
and having to endure (yet again) the brutality and inhuman minds of the majority....
gossiping and eating snake is sooooo fucking last yr... dont u think??
aaarrrghhh!!! shut up ....i dunno.... maybe i was pampered too much
my ears naturally itched and my heart will automatically flare up
whenever i hear people talking rudely or giving stoooopid excuses....
if u dun wan then say dun... if u want then say yes...
cannot speak simple english issit??
must u go sth like "aiyoh... no la... u see ah... its like this one..."
aaahhhh!!!! i have no patience for the idiots...
i can bear things u'knoe... i dun complain much...
but there are always a certain limit....
and they'd go like...."this girl ar...(me la...) always...dot dot dot...."
i werk my ass off....
running like dog and get paid peanuts...
nothing bothers me until u say i havent work enuf...
and yet u didnt even lift a finger to help....
why such ppl exist??
we get the same pay.. same work level...
i help you.... and yet u did WHAT??
i didnt know gratitude comes in many different ways....
i dun expect a returned kindness....(i've lost hope)
just leave me alone... you know.... act as if i dun exist?
~sigh.... feel like shit suddenly...
dumped...hot(-tempered) and extremely dirty....
life's unfair but it still goes on rite??