i feel remotely depressed
as i sense my family crisis growing.
financially we're spiralling downwards
with no hope of ever seeing da light
(unless of course my dad
miraculously whip out his industrious traits
to the working world.)
when i saw tears in my mother's eyes
something dawned on me
here i was so selfishly spent ever single cent
of my salary on myself, my luxuries
how blind was i to see
my mother toiled her way to pay for all the debts
my dad made...
wat sins have she done to deserve such
an unfilial daughter as me?
maybe an occasional gifts
or a rare stock up of house supplies
but what else have i contributed to the family?
am i becoming someone
the very one i do not wish to be?
contributing nothing to this family?
i wish to live like my friends
glamourous,fabulously rich
or at least nvr having to run out of money
but look at me
they're like goddesses
i'm just a mere maid who cant even do the hsewerk properly
who am i kidding?;
what looks do i haf?
what kind of sick joke was i playing?
trying to dress like i'm pretty somehow?
wat, am i sick??
stupid???
i'm not like them
dun live like them
i can nvr be them
nobody wants me to be like them
then why da fucking hell do i want to?
why do i always have these jealous streaks
flowing through my body?
contaminating my mind
enveloping my soul?
why cant i like being me?
why must i want to be pretty?
coz i'm fucking ugly, thats why
i'm a woman,
born to be vain
born to be unsatisfied
and it just so happens that
i was born uglified w/ a very low self esteem too
oh wow.... wat an explosive combination.
i'm sorry mom...
for all the shit i put you thru
i'm sorry vincent...
coz i know u deserves so much better
i'm sorry friends..
for all those envious stares i bestowed you
i guess
i shud, like, hit my big head on some hard rough
surface staccato til i get amnesia
coz onli then can i start over a new leaf
ugly again... ok...
but please...pour me those confidences
drench me so wet i could fly high
maybe then we wouldnt be in the state that we
(my family) are in now...